"When are you having another one?" The painful question you hear what seems to be every day. Unexplained secondary infertility makes what should be the most natural and, what some say, the easiest thing to do...so unnatural and so "not easy.”
Trying to have a baby consumed my life and no one understood. Intimacy became a schedule and unfun science with my husband. My body was failing me and I couldn’t feel worse about myself. I was desperate to give my wedding night daughter a sibling, and it was completely out of my control. I kept telling myself I should just be happy that I had at least had one child, but the overwhelming grief I had not being able to give her a sibling clouded any gratitude. Friendships became too difficult; I was incapable of focusing on anything else. I felt so alone, no one could possibly understand. I was in my own hell and I felt like I only had myself to blame.
I often hear of other women secretly suffering in silence as well and my heart breaks. Most people don’t even know that I/we struggled to have a 2nd child. Most still ask, on a daily basis, when we are having a 3rd. My own family doesn’t even know the losses and struggles we went through in conceiving and keeping our miracle baby Summit. My reply to them in their chatter is, “Only God knows.”
I write this to hopefully help someone else...at a distance. I can’t say what will work, because honestly it might not. But I can say that keeping faith will be the hardest hurdle, but the only thing you can control. Infertility will be something that stays with you always. It doesn’t define you, but it is a major factor in creating your life, and accepting that will be your first triumph. What is meant to be will be, and that is a hard realization to swallow. It will be hard to find someone to talk to, to understand; or actually, just to listen.
No one will ever understand your desire to conceive, to keep, and to ultimately deliver your one and only wish. I hope these words help you to find comfort to keep doing what you feel you need to do. With all my heart, I say my sincerest -Good Luck! - Tamara, PA